Motherhood: The Balance between raising a child and hanging on to your youth.

When I saw a positive pregnancy test at 19 years old, my first thought was “holy shit.”, literally. You never expect it to happen to you until it does. Facing the idea that my soon-to-be reality was going to be filled with shitty diapers, throw-up, and constant tears was not what I imagined my life to be at just 19/20 years old. When I decided to keep my baby, I believed that I had to hang up my youth and become an adult and, for a while, I did. 

My son is 10 months old now, and I am just, as of recently, getting myself back. It didn’t happen immediately; it didn’t happen easily, but finally I’m beginning to feel like me. Being a Mother is a blessing, but isn’t something that should cost your girlhood. 

How I lost, then found, myself.

Having a baby is like forming a new identity for yourself. You are now responsible for another life, one that was created by you and therefore is a part of you. That changes your view on things drastically. My husband was away for the first months of our baby’s life. He missed the entire newborn stage, leaving me (not by choice) to figure it out alone. That in itself destroyed me. I was alone, postpartum, and filled with every emotion imaginable. Thankfully, I made it, but it wasn’t easy. 

Today, I can say with a smidge of certainty that I am more myself than I was then. It took overcoming the anxiety of leaving my baby behind to run errands alone, constant tears, feeding struggles, attachment issues, and so much more before I was able to be where I am now. I can finally sit and enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning. Little things that I took advantage of before becoming a Mother now are sacred things I am lucky to enjoy. 

Overall, if you are a Mother or on the way to becoming one, remember to take things with a grain of salt. Don’t take things for granted, and know that with time it will all pass. You will feel normal again. You will re-find your girlhood!